The Pendulum of Personal Change

There’s an interesting phenomenon that happens when you decide to make personal change—something I refer to as the pendulum.

We see it in everyday life: like someone going from following a strict diet and exercising every single day to completely abandoning their routine and indulging in every craving, only to realize that sustaining change means learning to navigate somewhere in the middle, while staying open to adjusting as needed.

This happened to me when I started breaking free from my people-pleasing tendencies. I went from being a “yes! person” to a “no person.” Now, I’ve landed somewhere in the middle as a “let me think about it and get back to you” person.

When I was developing my “no is a complete sentence” skills, it felt easier to say no to everyone and everything for a while. I hadn’t yet learned to trust myself to know when it was okay to say yes and when it was better to say no.

I went from saying yes to everyone, giving ALL of myself to the point of exhaustion… to stepping back and asking, “Did I take this too far?” “Am I just being selfish now?”

The truth is, I feel like people don’t prepare us for this.

I love being of service to others. That’s why I became a Mindset & Life Coach—to empower women to change their lives for the better. I also love giving my time and energy to my friends and family.

But when I first started saying no, I really struggled with feeling self-absorbed. I worried that maybe I had dropped the ball in the friends-and-family arena. And maybe I did. But you know what? That’s okay!

The thing is, learning to set boundaries and prioritize yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never have to do things you don’t want to do again. It’s about figuring out how to navigate those moments without losing yourself in the process.

Here’s the thing... We all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes. So how do we handle it when the pendulum swings too far the other way?

Step 1: Check In With Yourself

First, you have to check in with yourself. In my humble (but professional) opinion, this requires creating space for solitude and silence. Meditation, journaling, breathing—whatever works for you.

If you’re someone who thrives on constant noise (kids, music, podcasts, TV), trust me: being alone with your thoughts can be transformative. Start small—even just five minutes—and build from there.

As a people-pleaser (even a recovering one), it’s crucial to regularly check in with yourself to understand your limits, your boundaries, and your desires.

Here’s an example: My dad recently asked me to help him with some things for my grandma. I said yes to some requests and no to others—the ones I knew would be too emotionally draining.

In the past, I would’ve said yes to everything and then ended up on my couch or in bed for 48–72 hours trying to recover from giving too much of myself—neglecting things that make me feel my best (exercise, healthy eating, writing, etc.).

Do I still feel guilty for saying no? Sometimes. But the reality is, while the guilt is immediate and short-lived, saying yes to everything would come at a much higher cost: resentment, stress, and exhaustion. Personally, I’d rather deal with a little guilt than weeks of recovery.

Step 2: Give Yourself Permission

You also have to give yourself permission—permission to say no, permission to get it wrong sometimes, and permission to choose YOU.

And while you’re at it, offer yourself grace.

Grace for the moments when you swing too far in one direction or slip back into old habits. Grace for being human.

This might be shocking for some of you to hear, but... you can’t be perfect. (I know, gasp.) Sometimes you’ll take your newfound freedom too far. Other times, you’ll find yourself knee-deep in people-pleasing even after months of progress. And guess what? That’s okay.

Step 3: Let Go of Perfection

So, let’s nip this perfectionism (which typically goes hand-in-hand with people-pleasing) in the bud right here, right now. Imagine I’m waving my magic wand over you… 

*sparkle sparkle*

"I hereby release you from getting everything perfect."

*sparkle sparkle*

You are magically healed and relieved of getting this people-pleasing stuff right 100% of the time. Congratulations! Doesn’t that feel GOOD?!

Step 4: Embrace the Pendulum

Here’s the truth: with any new skill, you’re going to overcorrect. That’s the pendulum at work.

At first, you might say no to everything, even things you genuinely want to do. That’s okay. Listen to your intuition—it will guide you when it’s time to start saying yes again.

Remember this quote from Melody Beattie: “We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings.”

It’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s emotions. Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself.

Does this mean you’ll never do things you don’t want to do again? Of course not. Life requires compromise. But the difference is that now, you’ll check in with yourself, set clear intentions, and choose what’s worth saying yes to.

Progress Over Perfection

There’s no “right” way to quit people-pleasing, just as there’s no single “right” way to approach personal growth. There’s only YOUR way, YOUR path, YOUR journey.

The pendulum will swing—it’s natural. Some days, you’ll go too far. Other days, you won’t go far enough. The goal isn’t balance (that’s a myth). The goal is progress.

So, embrace the ride. Lean into the swings. Trust that, over time, you’ll find your middle ground.

You’ve got this!

Ready for More?

If you enjoyed learning about the pendulum, join She Can Academy. Inside, you’ll find even more strategies, tools, and support to help you break free from people-pleasing and start living life on your terms.

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