Why Do We People-Please? Digging Deeper Into the “Why”

In my last blog post, I shared how discovering the why behind my people-pleasing tendencies was a game changer. Understanding the root causes gave me the clarity I needed to start addressing them head-on and breaking free from the cycle.

Today, I want to dig a little deeper into those “whys” because let’s be real—there’s no one-size-fits-all explanation. People-pleasing comes from a mix of things, and understanding your personal mix is where the magic happens.

(Note: This isn’t about blaming your parents, your culture, or even yourself. It’s about shining a light on what’s going on under the surface so you can rewrite those outdated narratives.) 


My Story: A Lifetime of People-Pleasing

I’ve been a people-pleaser my whole life. For me, it started with what I saw and experienced growing up. As an Assyrian (Middle Eastern), cultural pressures played a big role—there was an expectation to be agreeable, accommodating, and, quite frankly, to sacrifice your needs for others. Add to that a household where emotions ran high and arguments could break out at any moment, and it felt safer not to “rock the boat.” Combine that with a foundation of low self-worth, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for people-pleasing.

Those are the big themes, but there’s so much nuance. I could probably write a whole book about the ways people-pleasing showed up in my life. But here’s the bottom line: by the time I was an adult, I was so burnt out from trying to make everyone else happy that I knew something had to change.

Let’s dive into the common reasons we people-please. See which ones resonate with you.


Why We People-Please: The Big Reasons

1. You’re Modeling What You Learned

Did you know that your subconscious mind (the part of your brain that runs your life on autopilot) forms between the ages of 0-7? During this time, your brain absorbs everything you see, hear, and experience—and without a fully developed prefrontal cortex (aka the part of your brain responsible for critical thinking), your brain files things away as "truth," and it can sometimes "misfile" information—storing it in ways that might not make sense to your adult self.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say your parent told you once, “Don’t be selfish, give your sister your toy.” Your five-year-old brain might’ve filed that away as:

• “It’s selfish to say no.”

• “Other people’s needs are more important than mine.”

• “Having a need is selfish, being selfish is bad—and I don’t want to be bad.”

Fast forward to adulthood, and those same narratives are still hanging out in your subconscious, influencing your choices. Every time you want to say no, stand up for yourself, or prioritize your own needs, those old “truths” pop up and make you feel guilty.


2. It’s Woven into Your Culture

Many cultures place a high value on selflessness, sacrifice, and putting others first. Whether you grew up with “Southern hospitality,” “Catholic guilt,” or unspoken expectations tied to your ethnicity, religion, or nationality, you may have internalized people-pleasing as a cultural norm.

For me, being part Assyrian meant seeing my Middle Eastern family constantly doing things they didn’t want to do, spending time with people they didn’t want to see, and giving more than they had—all to “save face” or avoid guilt. (A lot of this ties back to survival and isn’t inherently bad—I love the caring and connected nature of my Middle Eastern heritage. However, it’s important to be aware of how cultural norms might be holding you back.) In contrast, my white grandparents were more independent and rarely placed those same pressures on others.

Guilt, shame, judgment, and even exclusion can come into play when cultural expectations aren’t met, making it especially hard to say no.


3. You Don’t Like Conflict

Who actually likes conflict? Okay, maybe those reality TV producers who stir the pot for a living. But for a lot of us, conflict feels… gross. If you’re anything like me (a recovering conflict-avoider), you’d rather just agree and keep the peace than deal with the awkwardness of a disagreement.

The problem? Avoiding conflict might feel easier in the moment, but over time, it disconnects you from what you want. You start bending over backwards for others so much that you forget to check in with yourself.


4. Low Self-Worth

If people-pleasing had a best friend, it’d be low self-worth. They go hand-in-hand.

When you don’t believe you’re worthy of having your needs met, it’s so much easier to put everyone else first. But here’s the thing: you are worthy—just because you exist, not because of what you do or how much you give.

People with higher self-worth don’t care as much about being liked or rejected. They know their value doesn’t come from external validation. Building self-worth is one of the most powerful ways to break free from people-pleasing because it teaches you to respect and prioritize yourself.


5. You Hate Disappointing People

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said yes to something just to avoid disappointing someone. 🙋‍♀️ For me, seeing someone’s face fall or hearing their voice change was enough to make me cave every time.

But here’s the deal: when you constantly prioritize other people’s feelings over your own, you’re telling yourself, “My feelings don’t matter. I don’t matter.” And that’s a cycle worth breaking.


6. It’s a Stress Response

Have you heard of the “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” responses? Fawning (aka people-pleasing) is a way of defusing stress by becoming overly agreeable and accommodating. If you grew up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment, this might’ve been your way of coping—and it’s easy to carry that habit into adulthood without even realizing it.


7. You’re Just Naturally Helpful

Being helpful is a beautiful quality—until it becomes a trap. People-pleasers often love giving back and making others feel good, but we struggle to set boundaries. Over time, this can lead to burnout, as we prioritize everyone else’s needs over our own.


8. You Believe You Need to Earn Love

For some, people-pleasing stems from loneliness. If you didn’t feel loved or wanted as a child, you might have developed a belief that you need to earn love by being agreeable or overly accommodating. This subconscious programming can drive people-pleasing behaviors well into adulthood.


9. You Need Something in Return

Sometimes, people-pleasing isn’t about avoiding conflict or being liked—it’s transactional. You might not mind doing favors for someone because deep down, you’re hoping they’ll return the favor.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’re manipulative. For most people-pleasers, it’s not malicious—it’s survival. If you struggle with low self-worth (there’s that “self-worth” term again), you might believe you have to “earn” help or support. The thought of asking for something outright might feel uncomfortable or even impossible, so you over-give in hopes that it will balance the scales.

But here’s the hard truth: transactional people-pleasing rarely works out the way we hope. When others don’t reciprocate, it can lead to resentment and reinforce the belief that you’re not worthy of help unless you’ve “earned” it.


Why Your “Why” Matters

Remember: people-pleasing isn’t a one-size-fits-all issue. Your “why” might be a mix of several reasons—or all of them. But once you understand what’s driving it, you can start rewriting those old narratives and creating new habits that actually serve you.

For example:

• If it’s cultural pressure, practice guilt-free boundary setting and remind yourself that you don’t have to meet every expectation.

• If it’s low self-worth, work on building confidence and self-esteem.

• If it’s a stress response, remind yourself, “I am safe.”

• If it’s fear of disappointing others, shift your focus to how you’re disappointing yourself by not prioritizing your needs.
  

Next Steps

Understanding your why is just the beginning. At She Can Academy, we go deeper into these strategies and provide tools to help you break free from people-pleasing for good.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether it’s through our Academy or 1:1 coaching, I’m here to support you. 

Make sure you’re subscribed to our newsletter so you don’t miss more insights, tips, and resources to help you reclaim your life.