3 Myths About Boundaries That Keep People Pleasers Stuck

If you’re a people pleaser, like me, you know just how hard it can be to tell people “no.” It’s something we typically avoid at all costs, even at our own expense. You want me to plan that party, even though I planned the last five? Surrrrre, no problem. You’re asking me to pick up your kids even though I’m swamped? Of course I can do that!

We’ve talked about the reasons why many of us people please, but now let’s chat about one of the hardest things for people pleasers to do: set boundaries.

Boundaries are harder than a standalone “no” because they are a “here’s my line and I’m not crossing it” kind of energy. They may require you to say no a lot. Many of you struggle with boundaries because there’s a lot of old programming, limiting beliefs (lies disguised as facts), and, frankly, junk in your mind telling you it’s much worse than it actually is.

Today, we’re tackling three common lies people pleasers believe about boundaries—and how to rewrite them.

1. “They will get mad at me.”

You assume people will get mad at you if you communicate a boundary with them. Sometimes, you’ll be right. But a majority of the time, people will surprise you. Some people may get a bit annoyed at first, but cut them a bit of slack. You’ve taught them that you’ll always bend when pushed enough, so you’re changing it up on them and you may need to give them some time to catch up.

Many people will actually respect you, especially if they also struggle with boundaries. They may not tell you, but they’ll give you this look of, “Oh shit, she’s doing it. Good for her!”—even if they’re slightly annoyed that you just told them no.

Now, for the small, small percentage of people who actually get “mad” at you? Play that scenario out in your head and ask yourself, “So what?” What will actually happen? Will you get fired? Will they break up with you? Will they never talk to you again?

Most of the time, our mind feeds us lies that we HAVE to say yes, that it is UNBEARABLE if someone gets upset with us, that it would be the END OF THE WORLD. I implore you to take back that narrative, and say, “So what?” When you play it out in your head, you can see it’s not as serious as your mind is leading you to believe. And if someone is going to end a relationship with you because you’re honoring your boundaries, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Period.

2. “I’ll hurt their feelings.”

I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer as quickly as possible—don’t think too much about it, just go with your gut.

Who’s feelings are more important? Yours or someone else’s?

If you chose someone else’s, you’ve got some inner work to do. No one’s feelings matter more than yours. Not your parents’, not your kids’, not your spouse’s—no one. Now, this doesn’t mean their feelings don’t matter at all, just that they matter less than yours.

Anytime you ignore or dishonor a boundary of yours, you’re saying to yourself, the other person, and the world, “Other people’s feelings matter more than mine. I don’t matter. I matter the least.”

And let’s be honest, people pleasers don’t say yes and feel good about it. We say yes and then resent the person for asking us. We get passive-aggressive, annoyed, and sometimes we don’t put our hearts into what we were asked to do. Don’t you think that hurts their feelings too?

So, by not communicating a boundary, you’re hurting yourself, the other person, and anyone affected by your half-ass attempt to check a box rather than fully showing up.

Next time you’re tested, ask yourself: “Whose feelings matter most right now?”

3. “They will think I’m mean/lazy/rude/etc.”

Again, play this one out… “SO WHAT?” Why are you giving away so much of your power? Why do you care SO MUCH about what other people think of you?

When you stand firm in yourself and honor your boundary, don’t you look in the mirror with pride afterward? Versus when you ignore or disrespect your own boundary—how do you feel then? Not great, I’m guessing.

The key is this: What do YOU think of YOU? Are you acting in a way that makes you proud and aligns with your values, beliefs, and boundaries? Or are you bending over backward for validation, love, or acceptance?

When you start seeking validation, worth, love, and acceptance from within, you free yourself from the pressures of acting out of fear of others’ opinions.

Setting boundaries isn’t easy—it’s a skill that takes time and practice to master. But every time you honor your boundaries, you’re building self-respect, confidence, and the life you deserve. If this resonates with you and you’re ready to dive deeper into these tools and strategies, join She Can Academy! Inside, you’ll find support, resources, and a community of women just like you who are learning to break free from people-pleasing, set boundaries, and build lives they’re proud of. You’ve got this—and I’m cheering for you every step of the way!