Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: My Journey to Becoming Authentically Me
I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit holding myself back. People-pleasing stopped me from going after dreams, speaking my mind, and, honestly, just being myself.
Actually, let’s be real—I allowed my people-pleasing tendencies to hold me back. Whether it was staying quiet when I wanted to speak up, nodding along even when I disagreed, shelving my dreams for the sake of “keeping the peace,” or ignoring what I wanted to make things easier for everyone else, people-pleasing ruled so many of my choices.
The real kicker? I convinced myself this was the “right” way to go through life. As long as everyone else was happy, it felt okay to ignore what I wanted. But one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I was exhausted from trying to be everything to everyone.
Hello, My Name is Dante, and I’m a Recovering People-Pleaser
It sounds funny, right? “Recovering people-pleaser” isn’t exactly a badge of honor, but it is a commitment to change. To me, it means acknowledging that the knee-jerk urge to say “yes” is still there but choosing to pause, breathe, and check in with myself instead.
Does that mean I use this tendency as an excuse to keep ignoring my needs? Absolutely not! Like any lasting change, it started with a wake-up call.
Step One: The “Oh Sh*t” Moment
The first step was noticing how often I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” and, even more frustrating, how often I hid my real self—my big dreams, my ideas—just because I worried about what others might think. I remember thinking, “Oh sh*t, I really am a people-pleaser!”
Of course, my inner critic had a field day with that realization. Thoughts like, “You’re such a pushover,” or “You’ll never get this in check; you’re not strong enough,” kept bubbling up. And look, I’ve read all the books, done the inner work, so I know just how damaging that self-talk can be. But that didn’t stop those thoughts from creeping in.
So, I learned to silence my inner critic.
Step Two: Digging into My “Why”
Once I got clear on the fact that I was a people-pleaser, I needed to understand why. Because here’s the thing: people-pleasing isn’t some random habit—it’s often a response to deeper feelings and experiences.
Maybe it’s cultural or societal pressure (think, “being a good girl” or “Southern hospitality”). Maybe it’s about wanting to be liked, avoiding conflict, or just hating awkwardness and rejection. For me, it came from a few places: wanting to avoid conflict, having a strong desire for external validation, and dealing with low self-worth.
When I knew why I was people-pleasing, I could tailor my approach to change. It was like piecing together a mystery about myself.
Step Three: Choosing My Solutions
Here’s where things got interesting. Once I knew my reasons, I could actually create a game plan to break out of this cycle.
When I realized my people-pleasing came from low self-worth, I focused on building up my confidence.
When I recognized it was about avoiding conflict, I practiced stepping outside my comfort zone and learning how to have the tough conversations.
And when I saw it was rooted in needing external validation, I started reminding myself of my own worth.
It sounds simple, but tailoring my solutions to my reasons made all the difference. I wasn’t just addressing the surface symptoms; I was getting to the heart of why I felt the need to please in the first place.
Clients on This Journey, Too
One of my clients, for example, realized that her people-pleasing was rooted in a lonely childhood. She’d learned to accommodate others to avoid rejection or abandonment. Another client grew up in a chaotic household and developed people-pleasing as a way to avoid adding to the tension. These realizations were huge for them—they finally saw that their people-pleasing was about coping, not character.
Here’s the Big Takeaway
Once I knew my “why,” I could start making different choices. I dive deeper into these strategies in She Can Academy and through 1:1 coaching, but let this be a first step for you, too. And here’s a big tip: everyone who struggles with people-pleasing eventually has to face their first “no,” their first “not this time,” or their first awkward conversation.
But remember, you’re not alone. I’m here, and we’ll get through this together because...I’VE GOT YOU!
